1/12/09 RELATIONSHIP FIDELITY and WORK FOCUS..

My sleep (yesterday) was disturbed by the beeps on my handphone (hp).Usually I just silent off my hp once I want to go to sleep. I glanced through the SMS, two friends from a distance message me on two different ‘asking for helps’, which make my mind wonder and force me to reopen my eyes and start thinking of some answers. The SMS is a too short way of getting to the point. I rushed to MyLoving Friend, the Tablet and here am I with this message for them and others. It is just an advice and one of those ideas that could be thought of.

(2) Friend I: Questioning about fidelity in a relationship? A very basic question, how a man (male) feel if his girlfriend (spouse) has another relationship (with another man or men)? My simple answer to this is a matter of trust, if we don’t have trust, then why should one keep hanging around. If one chooses to hang around when there is no trust, then one must be ready to face whatever risk.

(b) Surely there are divergences of opinion to this. But my notion is simple, especially those who are in love, or marriage relationship. In today world, sometimes our hearts control our mind. But as time change, and as long as we are not blind (sight), our mind and heart would keep screening our environment. Along the way, new or even better thing just crop up, or even the bad parts of us may also flourish. To some, they pick up (or avoid) those new things (good or bad), but to some, they just would want to stay where they are (doesn’t matter good or bad). All make their own choice. But of course, sometimes in a relationship, two guys made an unparallel choice which may hurt either one. So that is where, the issue came in the SMS, where do I stand?

(c) I said, at my age which soonest approaching 50, I just ignored those that I believe not seem mine. It may hurt, but, why should I waste my life to cry or hang on for what seem not being mine. My life is not for such thing, surely there are much better things to do rather just hanging around and felt betrayed! As it is, I would say I stay with my purpose in life. The larger purpose, the better dignify purpose.

(d) Just a word of ecological though. If one follows the National Geographic Channel, one will see that MALE, doesn’t matter what they are: be human or non-human, their pattern of relationship fidelity are just the same. Male, is never being satisfied with one relationship. It is his nature, his gene, a hunter! A game-boy! BUT, please notice, a male, doesn’t matter how infidel his relationship is (are), will always (want to) be in the same circle unless thing are too bad to mend. What it means in a man relationship is that as long as he still gets what he wants from his present (earlier) relationship, despite how naughty he is, he will always want to keep his present relationship in the radar. It is just a matter of some adjustment especially for the female partner to take, that would bring him back into her arm! Thus, in human relationship, the female need lots of adjustments to keep their man at arm. Like it or not. That is nature, nothing to do with gender biasness.

(e) Unfortunately, suspicious, jealousy, greed, unreasonable, irrationality, (forget about intentionally a fool), of which to me is a clear sign of non-confidence or inferiority complex, have made lots of relationship fall apart without a trace.

(2) Friend II: In great depression due to ‘incompatibility’ in the working environment. Felt hopeless. Felt not motivated. Felt isolated. There seem no Team Work in the Office. The work seem not a work, just simply not worth to work the work!

(b) My simple solution to this is, what do we want in life? Is our work, a mere self-development (enrichment) or community-responsibility serving or both? If it is just to build oneself, then just do the work. But again, how far that one wants to build oneself? If it is just, say ‘cukup makan’, then just work to work, nothing more, probably just do less! But if one dream to go higher or even beyond everybody else, then one must work a mile further. This would request for lots of struggle and sacrifice. Great success never comes easy! Good laugh always comes with tear!
(c) I always tell my friends, if one wants better position, one must take the responsibilities, not just take the ‘gaji’. One is paid (hired) to work not paid not to work. No body hire anybody for not to work. Surely, one being promoted (or paid higher) is to shoulder greater responsibilities, and that must be well understood. Under rational situation, promotion (high paid) comes with good performance and for that one usually have to swim across many oceans of struggle and challenges.

(d) They is a great different between on who works just for oneself, than one who works for the community. Characters and determination (motivation) surely will differ a lot between the two.

(e) The community-oriented person will never (less) think about himself. His pride, his success, his satisfaction will be judged based (focus) on his success to bring better things for his community. Nothing sort of demotivating him, be it rain on shine. His motivation is the success of his people. As long as he doesn’t see or get to that level, he will continue to struggle (fight). He dies with his struggle. He never stop. He continues to see and uncover what better for his people. This type of person, he could one day be a very successful individual (eg Prime Minister or Senior Executive) or he could just end up with nothing (eg in Jail, Shot death, etc). But if one believes in Islam: He had promised, He surely honour those who are honest and rightful in theirstruggle.....surely there is nothing to worry, for being one! Definitely I would believe, everyone of us is born to be with and for the community. As such, we must be accountable to the community. We must serve (fight) for the community!

(f) A person who work (fought) for himself, normally he will work (fight) in such that everything must be always in his way. He usually would work beyond 'expectation' (sometimes very hard in fact), but with ulterior motives. If there is any out liar (or hindrance to his dream), there is where sometimes back stabbing, sabotage, or worst back scratching would come into play: Office Politic Game Play. This type of struggle is considered not healthy, and surely though he might be successful, such a success would never last long. In Islam, such struggle has no barakah (sustainability). This person normally takes an indifferent attitude to his community plight, even if so he might just take it as superficial stand!

(g) Definitely there are those who are honestly want to work just for their own good with no intend of harm (bad) on others. His position, his family are his prime concerns. Serving the community interest seem to come second. The interest to go beyond or work a mile further (even getting new knowledge and skill) would most of the times never arise. This type of person has die hard attitude to change, and if need be, he only change mostly just to safeguard his career. He would not make drastic move to change even though the change is needed to serve the community better because serving the community is not his urgent attention (concern).

(h) There is not much good example around where a person is a real outstanding in both ie in career position but as well being a successful family person. Such person only exist, not because he is really great in both, but because there is always (especially among the spouse) a person behind the scene who back him up or had sacrificed for his success (eg wife, parent, partner). The most popular quotation for this is: There is always a woman behind a successful man (likewise)!

(3) I hope, with this article, some would have a good idea on one struggle pathway either for his own or community good. For those who are in dilema due to special circumstance, then it is better to be just honest to oneself and or the employee. If we are not ready (or just can't be responsible), just let it go, and just take what we professionally deserve (not what we feel what we deserve!).

Mukah, Sarawak
6 Dec., 2009