(It took me six hours flight to discover her, in a very remote Village in Kendari, Indonesia, in 2009. She was 16 by then. The mother was just 35 years old. She is now probably had married, with kid(s). Yet, I'm still struggling to really to know a woman. Why such a physio-psycho big gap?)
Before I go into the detail of the subject, let me draw readers to the few fundamental nature of man and woman. First and foremost we must always remember that woman was created from the flexi-bone of the man. The left rib, not the right. By such a virtue, the rib and woman has great similar responsibilities and functions. The rib takes the function as the protector to human prime organs such as the lung, heart and pancreas. These are the organs that supply the needed oxygen, physio-transport and hormonal and enzymatic pace maker for our human well functioning.
(2) I'm writing this article, because right now I'm facing with an issue of a friend marriage problem. Along side, I hope if there is really a third party involvement, I hope, this article would give some light to some solution. Surely, personally, I would love to embark onto a much better family life that I had put aside for too long. I'm doing some research on the matter and would love to share those preliminaries findings with all the readers. since this is non academic, despite I have read a lots, I don't intent to list all the references, except to conceptually recall some into this writing.
(3)Until I wrote this article, I never realize the wisdom given by my cute motherly English teacher, Chegu Noraini, when I was in Jitra, Kedah in 1976-77, that, when walking with a woman (with her especially), I must keep her to my left. She used to called me to carry all those exercise books to her Teachers' Office after and before her class. We used to walked side by side, I would say like jovial loving couple which in fact is a mother-son or loving teacher-obedient student intimacy. Let me thank her for that. It mean nothing to most, but I observed after having kids, a wife normally tails his man. They seldom walk hand-to-hand. My loving teacher, want me to be much romantic and being polite to women, and sure she was educating me indirectly the position of a woman to a man, and only now I realize that. Interesting, only at this age did I realized that. Why? I'll talk about that later.
(3) Secondly, man was created out of the earth, the dirt. Such, a man body, is made of purities and impurities. But most important, the man physic, content the complete basic of a creature, created out of nature. And of course, with such a virtue, millions of questions could be asked and knowledge be explored. Among them, does it mean, heaven is also made of earth? Or is not heaven here directly on this earth, and it all up to us to either create or destroy it? Or even, since earth is the foundation of a man, then, water, rock, green grass, all sort of micro-organism, etc are not part and parcel of a man? If so, then, would a man characters not being greatly influenced by such. In psycho-analyst term, is it not a man nature to love nature, ie being a hunter or just as similar as nature, at times could be eruptive as volcano, tranquil as flow of snow-melt stream, cold as the hard rock, protective as the whale, killer as lion, smooth and silent as the amoeba, or even gigantic and homely as the tall big tree. Read the works of Sigmund Freaud's on all these.
(4) Now let then we must remember and be aware, man physic is a complete wholesome of the earth, yet a woman is only partial of that wholesome. Only part of a man. The left part of the rib. Mathematically, it sound like a woman is a subset of a man. If so is the fact, thus a normal woman will never could match a man in many ways. Thus there is a natural law of gaps between man and woman. That had to be accepted. But, in the medical point of view, any part of human tissue is just genetically identical. But what is the mystery of such creation, woman and man is just not of the same statue. In the medical health, in the process of tissue transplant or even blood transplant, compatibility is paramount. Both donor and recipient tissue must be of identical structures or properties. Is marriage not having to do with such? If so, I could see blood test prior to marriage should be done to ensure all those compatibility matches. In today world, we term this as chemistry. Probably detail studies could be embarked to really understand all these physio-phycology of this man-woman creation.
(5) Thirdly, human brain is divided into three main spheres or regions ie the frontal(cortex), hind, and under. The under portion, which is located rightly under both the frontal and hind portion is called amygdala which is involves in storing the emotional sense. This portion of the brain, is the one that trigger lots of the emotional reflexes such as fear, sadness, joy, etc, the most of the unintentional acts, all the subconscious flexes. The Cortex trigger all those conscious acts eg talking, writing, eating. As human matured, a stronger connection between the Cortex and Amygdala will occur and thus both the voluntary and involuntary activities will be strongly connected. Only if such connection is well established, then we could see such terms such s/he talks with sense, sing with feeling, cries in sadness, etc. In girls, the connection develop much faster than in boys. Thus a 17 years girls can describes her emotion better as compared to the 17 years boys, which comparatively, is just a 6 years old girl. And now let think, why did Muhammad SAW suggested that the age different between normal married person must be in the range of 10 years, ie the man should be 10 years older than the woman? Ring the bell?
(6) Surely, don't argue that Muhammad SAW married Khadijah who was at least 20 years older than him. At that point in time, Muhammad needs all the support of a matured and capable woman. Allah purposely made him have Khadijah, without which Muhammad will have much difficulties to achieve his life purpose, as messenger. The same with Sukarno, he was only successful both in his critical personal (earning a degree in engineering) and political struggle (liberating Indonesia) with the coming of Inggit, a 12 years much older woman, who was the wife of his good friend, despite he was married to a much younger one earlier, Utari. Surely Muhammad later married to Aishah, the daughter of Abu Bakar, at her teen age, and that as well have it own mysteries.
(6) Let us now see woman from the following virtues, she was created from the man's rib. It is in fact a symbolization. For the sustenance of human existence, man and woman must co-exist. The rib must be there to hold the rest of human organs. Adam knew it. With him alone, in heaven, upon his decease, there will be no more human being. Can be forever be alive, just as Jibrael, the Holly ghost? Thus, that was probably the reason why he was so stubborn to make Allah submit to his desire to have a better companion. But then, it was not Allah ignorance not to create Adam and Eve simultaneously, I believe it is part and parcel of Allah wisdom to show to the angels, satan, and all His earlier creations that, Adam know how to think. He gave him brain (to think) and heart (to feel). With such Adam master his existence and purpose.
(7) Thus, in the Islamic term, the existence of man and woman is to continue the role and responsibility of Adam as a leader of this world and to all His creations. Surely I believe, Allah would also want his Ummah, the progenies of Adam-Eve to glorify him. Woman is surely then the platform for such a man task. We can't just then take this fact as fact, but what does this fact mean to us? Men naturally establish their manliness via leadership. Taking charge of a family enterprise is synonymous with manhood. The initial steps are those of courtship followed by marital consummation, which is the loving dominion of woman's charms and entry to her sacred temple.In marriage the domain of woman's beauty and favor solely belong to him. Woman submission in this primal realm of human intercourse confirm his manhood and establishes his natural authority. Once you understand and accept these realities, you enter realm of womanly wisdom.
(8) Once I sat with two young ladies, they asked me, how do we know, if a man is really serious about marrying and thus building a good family? I read somewhere, Muhammad SAW, in one of his desert journey, he asked one of his great companion: Are you married?. The answer was yes, with so and so, a widow who was much older. Why than you not taking a virgin woman?. He simply can't because he need an elderly woman not only to be his wife but to be the mother of all his younger siblings. Later Muhammad SAW advised him: Where possible, married a virgin woman. A woman gift of her virginity to her husband, is like bathing him with fresh clean water while he is in a dirty and exhaustive state, soothing and refreshing. Most important, her surrender of her virginity signified her true commitment to the future good lives. And I have lots of friends, the good and especially the bad, whose "phylosophy": One can fool around with all the bitches, but must married an angel. In this sense, woman must always remember, man is just a hunter. He hunt, he get moving to hunt, hard to stop. Surely there are exemption. Woman and ladies had to understand hard about the advice of the Muhammad SAW and those naughty minds of the men, unless you just want to be fooled or fooling around as well. Hold your fortress to the last battle, failing which, as I have seen, many fallen astray, and entering into the world of escapism.
(9) To the third parties, especially the good women (man) or ladies whom have fallen empathy thus sympathy in a man (woman) family crisis, the vulnerability is always there for one to drag into deeply involved. It is much better just to remain empathy rather sympathy, since empathy has a clear limited professional boundary while sympathy will always with borderless emotional enigma. In most cases, the disease just spread and fatal. I have seen and even experienced a lots, the wild crocodile in most case will turned to crush us, despite he/she had been fed well. It is good to help, but the older Malays had warned us enough: Buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali, or be aware of Melepas anjing tersepit, and Sesal dulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian tidak berguna.
(10) If the third party is parental related, my strong view here is that, we must give these new people time to take their walk. We have to be greatly patience to realize our expectation onto any or both of them. I was puzzle sometimes hearing parents demanding kid(s) on a very day of the node tying. Or even pestering on both to have this and that. Parents should demonstrate greater degree of maturity and` patience in guiding the new nation into great being.
(10) Let me made some important and most basic quote from The Tqua of Marriange by Omar Zaid and as well The Biography of Umar Ibn Al Khatab by Dr Ali Muhammad Muhammad As Sallaabee in the course of this article. For the good of the Ummah, I hope this will be treated as sadaqah by both of them, and let me spread that sadaqah.
(a) Your Wife Needs the Stability and Direction of a Spiritual leader.
This is one of the seven aspects how a husband should see a wife. I can't quote all of them, and one can read these in The Taqua of Marriage, where the author is a convert and have gone through long Christian lives. Some of them are elaborated in many of those Why Men Love Bitcher or Why Men Marry Bitch and many others similar books. For the Muslim, good to have all those Islamic books now flooding the market.
(ii) You are the patriarchal leader she seeks and yearns to depend on for spiritual guidance and vision for your family. Should you fail to provide this guidance, she will naturally attracted to men who give evidence of spiritually mature leadership. You should set yourself firmly in the study of scripture, wisdom and knowledge suitable for your needs in the world, which means in the fellowship of men who do the same. Realize also that wisdom is learned by experience and not by just through sitting reading, or meditation and praying. The best and greatest wisdom comes by doing, that is, by applying knowledge through work....real hard work. As a safeguard for you and your family, you, the husband, should clearly demonstrate your submission to a man of virtue who held in high esteem by the community; someone your wife sees you turning to for guidance when perplexity comes knocking at your door. Under this traditional patriarchal structure or better said, divide order, she will feel safe and secure with your husbandry. The caveat here is that a man without an Imam is a dangerous fellow because of his lack of communal accountability. Women know this instinctively and will remain unsettled or restless in their nests until this Divine order of governance is established in your life.
(iii) I seldom attend a weeding party, be among close relatives or friends. I have lots of reservation on all these elaborate function. But this year I attended two, and one is of very generous of me where I made an effort to meet both couple and advised: Take good care of each other and months later I happen to sit down with a friend whom have been newly married and gave my generous advice: You have two things to focus, your works and family. Discard all the others. Get focus to those. Be matured fast.
(iv) To me these are basic for all married men. Once we had acquired a piece of land, then tend to the land properly. Without which, the land will never gives us any good reward. As a botanist, I truely submit to this. It is not whether we have green hand or not, it is an effort to learn to do the best and really work hard to do it to the best. Allah is the Most Generous, He never failed one who really work hard and submit.
(b)A man needs a wife who can lovingly appeal to him when he goes beyond his limitations. He needs a woman who can wisely respond to those who questions his ideas, goals, or motives; he needs a console
Ingratitude towards husbands is equated with ingratitude toward Allah. To nurture life by reflecting the wisdom of your precious nature (created from the rib) is your purpose. Your task in the deen of marriage is to help your husband's submission to Allah.
(ii) This advice flies in the face of feminist logic, but its wisdom will save you much headache and heartache. Appeal to him as you would so to any ruler of State. When you do so, bear in mind his reputation, goals and authority, and above all, wait for the right moment! Never assail him with any problem immediately upon his arrival at the door. This is a grave error made by manyb women and will condition him to not only reject your concerns but also to seek the comforts of homecoming elsewhere, or at least make frequent visit to the pub or cafe that may catually be perlude to an affair. Give him the time to adjust and leave the world behid; lety him enjoy your appreciation for his safe return by greeting him warmly and in peace, make him comfortable, be patience.
(iii) The preparation of your spirit to honor his leadership withouit words of condemnation will overcome his resistance to any advice, objection or request you mught humbly raise. Be constantly ready to ask for forgiveness if you do offend him, and always bear the manner of a loyal and loving servant of his best interests. Study the story of Queen Esther of Bani Israel and learn wisdom from her wisely prepared appeal to her husband the King, which saved her people from destruction......do not respond (hurriedly) to any negative backbiting gossip, just peacefully walk away.
(iv) Let me quote these from Kuanter ke Gerbang. Kisah Cinta ibu Inggit dengan Bung Karno by Ramadhan KH. Please note, Inggit was Sukarno best friend's wife, when he asked her from him, Sanusi, who as a friend knew the fate of a nation that need a leader, and that potential leader need a nourishing soul mate. Sanusi made Karno, Bung Karno birth Indonesia Merdeka. Let deeply think the meaning of this!
"Hidup kami bahagia. Aku rasakan, Kusno (the way Inggit called his husband, Sukarno)menyayangi aku sepenuhnya. Aku pun begitu. Kami tidak pernah bertengkar dan ia pun menjaga perasaanku. Di balik itu, aku selalu mendorongnya agar ia bisa cepat menyelesaikan sekolahnya. Tentunya aku puntidak pernah menghalang-alangi ai aktif dalam pergerakan. Aku paham apa ertinya itu. Aku amat mengerti citi-citanya. Oleh kerana itu, aku pun turut menghidupkan semangatnya giat dalam pergerakan. Aku ingat pesan Kang Uci (Sanusi) agar aku membantu pemuda Kusno yang sekarang sudah jadi suamiku.
kepandaian Kusno, ia tahu dan pintar menempatkan seorang isteri yang beda tingkat umur dan pendidikannya. Ia pandai menempatkan aku di tempat yang sepatutnya. Suamiku berkata, intelek baginya tidaklah penting, dalam diri seorang perempuan. begitulah barangkali maksudnya mengenai isterinya. Yang dihargainya adalah kemanusiaannya. Aku lega mendengarkannya.
Camkanlah, suamiku menhargai aku kerana aku mencintainya, kerana aku tidak memberikan pendapat-pendapat yang berbelit, kerana aku menunggunya, mendorongnya, dan memujanya. Semua itu adalah benar. Aku memberikan segala sesuatu kepadanya. segala sesuatu yang menurutnya tidak bisa diberikan oleh buku dan orang lain. Aku tengelamkan diriku pribadi, aku hilangkan kepentinganku sendiri. Aku mengabdinya. Benar, aku memberikan segala yang diperlukan kepadanya, yang dikatakannya sendiri tidak dapat diperolehinya semenjak meninggalkan rumah ibunya.....aku tahu pikiran suamiku darinya sendiri...bahawa kebahagian dalam perkahwinan baru akan tercapai apabila si isteri merupakan perpaduan dari seorang ibu, kekasih, dan seorang kawan. Kusno pun ingin diibui oleh teman hidupnya. Kalau pilek (deman), ia ingin supaya aku memijitnya, mengurustnya. kalau lapar, ia ingin makan makanan kesukaannya yang aku masak sendiri. kalau kancing bajunya lepas, ia ingin aku yang memasang kancing itu kembali.
Ia memrlukan hati yang lembut dan dorongan yang besar dan mulia, terutama yang keluar dari hati seorang wanita. Itu semua aku camkan dalam hatiku"
(11) Close to home, I would say, Mahathir-Hasmah and Anwar-Azizah would be great to look at. Both Mahathir and Anwar always facing an upheaval challenges, yet both Hasma and Azizah steadfast by the side of their men. Both knew their position. They never step ahead of their men responsibilities and authorities. They don't meddle into the man world. They knew their limit, and they worked within their woman-wife course.
(12) I hope, when reading this articles all the related parties, should take a deep breath and look at oneself. My wish, let the sea calm, let me soon sail to a distance in peace. I wish the beaches that I left behind are pure white for the kids to catch their world. I left no footsteps behind. I wish, I pray, Ya Rabbi, let wisdom always guide Your people.
Matang Jaya, Kuching
19 Nov., 2011
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