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Sedikit masa dahulu, saya menulis betapa permulaan hidup saya bukanlah suatu yang mudah. Semua orang akan berkata sama, namun tetap ada perbedaan tidak mudahnya itu. Pertamanya, terlahir pada 1960 ketika Malaysia belum wujud sebagai sebuah Negara Merdeka, masih terjajah oleh lintah serakah Barat, menghadapi segala macam kepayahan dan keperitan pasca WWII dan segala usaha penjajahan semula Hegomoni Imperialisma sepertinya diperkatakan oleh Ir. Sukarno. Di seluruh Nusantara, segalanya seperti menongkah masa depan pribumi. Negara berada dalam keadaan paling dhaif. Sangat susah. Kehidupan seperti mengundur. Saya merangkak melepasi segalanya bersama Negara menantang binatang durjana Barat. Biarpun, saya tidaklah berjaya pada apa juga ukuran yang mahu digunakan, namun tulisan saya ini adalah atas niat saya untuk memperkongsi jalanan hidup agar ada yang bisa belajar jika mahu, demi kebaikan atau sebaliknya.

Sometime ago, I wrote, the start of MyLife indeed was not an easy one. Firstly, born to this world in the 1960, when the Nation had not existed as an Independent State, still being colonized by the sucking foreign powers at those post World War II (WWII) and all those series of hostile re-colonization efforts or Imperialism Hegemony as Sukarno termed it. In the whole of South East Asia, the world seem to turn against every native. The undeveloped nature of the Nation was really painful to take. I crawled passing all those hardships along the Nation struggling through those choking monsters. Though I might not be a successful person to a certain benchmark, but MyWriting on this subject is to share MyStruggle to being Merdeka dan Berdaulat as I used to call on especially the Malays Muslim. Being Merdeka yet tidak Berdaulat is just like wearing a shirt without a pant. I hope to set and left some trails that others could learn for good and for bad.

Kubertatih-MySLifeStart:

Mengikut Sultan Sharir pengerak pemuda yang telah memaksakan Sukarno dan Hatta untuk mengistihar kemerdekaan Indonesia mendahului tarikh yang dipersetujui oleh penjajah Jepun, Kemerdekaan bermaksud kekebasan bagi kita samada secara perseorangan atau kumpulan untuk menentukan jalanan hidup sendiri. Berdaulat pula dimaksudkan sebagai kekuasaan kita dalam menentukan arahtuju hidup kita. Maka Merdeka dan Berdaulat, bermaksud kita punya kebebasan dan kekuasaan dalam menentukan hidup kita. Sesungguhnya, itulah pengertian di sebalik laungan Daulat Tuanku yang kita bangsa Melayu sering laung-laungkan. Itulah hakikatnya, maksud Ketuanan Melayu. Cuma, apakah kita sedang bebas dan berkuasa? Jika ya, sejauh manakah batasnya? Hak mutlak bangsa Melayu ke atas urusan agama Islam dan budaya Melayu, yang kini di dalam tangan mereka, apakah itu menunjukkan bahawa kita adalah Merdeka dan Berdaulat? Jika benar, maka apakah bedanya keadaan kini dan kedudukan kita di zaman penjajah? Saya tidak nampak perbedaan yang jelas? Kita sepertinya: Ayam mati di kepok, itik kehausan di kolam.

In the word of Sultan Sharir, the young man whom with his comrades, had forced Ir. Sukarno and Dr. Hatta to declare the Indonesian Independence Day ahead of what the occupying Japanese had agreed; merdeka or Independent means we have the freedom to determine our own lives either as an individual or groups. Berdaulat means we have all the authority to determine our own destiny. Thus merdeka dan berdaulat mean we have the freedom with authority to clearly walk to our destiny. That the line behind the proclaiming of Daulat Tuanku literally means as a boss (tuanku), he/she must have authority! My question is and always: Do the Malays has freedom with authority? In what sense and to what extend?.

(2) Kehidupan saya menemui kesamaran bila ibu diserang angin ahmar. Sebelah badannya lumpuh. Ketika itu umur saya baru dalam empat atau lima tahun. Saat saya sepatutnya mendapat penjagaan ibu, kini ianya menuntut saya menjadi pengasuh ibu. Dunia bertukar menjadi kegelapan bila dia pergi saat saya berumur enam atau tujuh tahun, di saat saya harus melangkah ke alam persekolahan. Saya adik beradik, sejumlah lima orang terkapai-kapai dalam gelombang lautan entah apa namanya. Akhirnya, tanpa saya mengerti, betapa ayah saya sangat terkesan dengan kematian ibu, saya terpaksa memikul beban untuk menjadi pengasuh kepada adik-adik saya yang masih kecil. Semua itu menjadikan saya seorang anak pendiam, tidak mengerti kenapa alam sepertinya tersangat kejam. Saat itu, saya belum mengenali Tuhan dan saya hanya mampu menangis tanpa air mata. Saya hanya sering bertanya diri kenapa ibu harus mati? Saya tidak pernah bertanya kepada Tuhan kenapa Dia mengambil ibu pergi. Saya belum kenal Tuhan. Saya tidak punyai sesiapa untuk mengadu kasih sepenuhnya. Ayah banyak bebannya untuk mencari hidup dalam penuh kepayahan. Kaum keluarga saya tinggal saling berjauhan.

(2b) MyLife was, I would say, turned to worst when MyMum was hit by a stroke, causing her to half paralyzed at my very young age where I have to care for her instead of the otherwise, and surely later when she passed away at time when five of us brothers and sisters need her most. I was then just six or seven years old, at time when I should enter my formal education with great joy. But then, I had no one to care for my passionate need: love. Thereon, though I did not realized, MyDad was badly devastated with the farewell of MyMum, I have to care for my younger siblings. I had to baby sit them. All those then had turned me into a very confused and hopeless kid with most of the times I just cried deep inside with no one passionate enough to turn to. I never asked God, why had He3 taken away MyMum. I had not really know what was God indeed. MyDadAll my relatives stayed in distance away and hard to reach.

(3) Hidup dalam penuh keperitan, di Kampung Sedilo, Simunjan, yang dhaif, dalam alam yang tidak bersahabat: bah, kemarau, tanah becak berlumpur dan selut, dan kekadang rebakan banyak penyakit, dsb, apa lagi dalam keadaan Negeri dan Negara yang pariah, benar-benar menguji kehidupan saya. Sering saya mendapat demam panas, yang kini saya ketahui adalah akibat serangan malaria. Saat dilanda demam, seluruh tubuh saya terbakar panas, dan tanpa pengetahuan apa-apa, dalam kekolotan, seluruh keluarga hanya menerima, tanpa sadar suhu badan yang meninggi itu boleh merosakkan otak saya. Sesungguhnya hanya kasih Allah yang menyelamatkan saya dan kecerdasan otak saya. Saya hampir-hampir jadi korban serakah penjajahan Barat dan kedhaifan bangsa.

(3b) Living in a very harsh, even hostile environment, at Kg Sedilo, Simunjan, isolated, totally undeveloped, subjected to the challenged of nature: flooding, drought at times, muddy soggy ground hard to walk, as well as the wide spread existence of killing diseases, etc and the very pariah socio-economic status of the State, as a kid, I would say, put me into my greatest test. Many times I caught in high fever which now I know as malaria effect, which caused me into many times of nightmares due to high rising body temperature, without proper medical care, it was only Allah care that my brain was not damage.

(4) Dalam alam persekolahan, untuk benar-benar berjaya, banyak kebutuhan yang bapa saya tidak mengerti. Namun saya tidak pernah berputus asa dan tidak mengharapkan sangat tangan bapa, kerana saya tahu diapun tidak mampu. Saya melangkah menjadi budak penjaja. Saya menanam dan menjual sayuran terutama cangkuk manis. Jika Tan Sri Lee, Pengerusi IOI Bhd, sangat sentimental tentang aiskrim sebagai permulaan jalanan kecemerlangannya, cangkuk manis adalah permulaan kejayaan saya. Cangkuk manis, adalah jajan, pensil, buku, crayon, pembaris dan segalanya. Saya berusaha keras sendiri untuk memenuhi segala kebutuhan saya. Saya berasa amat malu untuk meminta kepada bapa. Saya terpaksa memikul tanggungjawap bapa untuk melengkapi diri saya. SubhanaAllah, betapa Besarnya Dia, sesungguhnya Dia sedang mendidik saya untuk kukuh memikul tugas penting mendokong bangsa.

(4b) As I entered the formal schooling environment, where there were things that I must have to excel but was not well understood by MyDad, I had then to look for my own ways to meet all my educational requirements. That was where I began to be a penjaja boy. I grew and sell vegetables, especially Sabah Vege: cangkuk manis. If Tan Sri Lee of IOI is sentimental about the ice cream, where he started with his enterprenizing life, Sabah Vege is mine. Sabah Vege gave me my jajan pocket money, pencils, books, crayons, and rulers. I worked hard to have all those sufficiently on my own even at my very young age. I was then feeling very guilty and ashamed to ask for money from MyDad for all those. I have to shoulder his responsibilities of me myself. SubhanaAllah, He is great, in fact He was educating me to take responsibility over matters that are of prime importance to the society.

(5) Mulanya, kerana keperitan hidup di Kg. Sedilo, Simunjan, datuk dan nenek saya di sebelah ibu, meminta saya untuk tinggal bersama mereka di Kampung Terasi, Pendam, Kampung kelahiran saya, dan menyekolahkan saya di SR Sg. Putin, iaitu di sebuah Kampung bersebelahan. Kini saya memilih untuk kekal menetap di Kampung Terasi, dan mudah-mudahan saya akan dapat menyinar cahaya perjuangan kepada masyarakat sekeliling. Sebetulnya, di sanalah saya memulakan jalanan keusahawanan saya. Di hujung minggu saya akan menjaja limau bali. Nenek banyak menanam limau bali. Kadang-kadang saya menjaja tempe. Nenek sememangnya pakar dalam membuat tempe. Namun, hasil jajan tidak dapat menampung keperluan persekolahan saya, kerana paman dan bibik saya iaitu Khartiman dan Khartini juga turut bersekolah dan perlukan perbelanjaan yang banyak. Banyak ketikanya, bila keperluan mendesak, saya terpaksa menjual telur ayam untuk membeli buku dan pensil. Ada ketikanya, telur yang saya bawa pecah, bila saya terjatuh akibat jalan tanah yang licin. Selalunya saya hanya menangis kerana tidak mempunyai pensil yang sempurna untuk menulis. Sering juga saya terpaks menulis dengan pensil yang terlalu pendek sehingga sukar untuk dipegang. Juga, saat saya melakukan kesalahan dalam tulisan saya, maka saya menggunakan air liur untuk memadamkan kesalahan tersebut. Atau tidakpun, saya akan mengikat gelang getah di kepala pensil sebagai pemadam. Selalu buku saya akan berlubang bila keadaan seperti itu terjadi.

(5b) Due to harsh environment in Kg Sedilo, in fact earlier, I started my schooling at Kg. Sg Putin, a neihboring village next to Kg. Terasi, where I was born. Today, I choose to retire in Kg Terasi, and really work to be a real entrepreneur of MyOwn. This was where, MyGrandMum on my maternal side, taught me to be very independent since the beginning of my schooling days. On the weekend, I have to jaja pomelo. Sometimes I do jaja tempe. But most of the times the money made from the jaja can't meet our expenses since I have young uncle, Khartiman and aunty, Khartini who also were schooling, thus if needs arised, I have to sell chicken eggs to buy my books and pencils. Sometimes, I broke the eggs when I fall down due to the muddy and slippery path. I sure then just cried not having a good pencil to write with. Sometimes I have to write with pencil at length hard to hold, and erased those writing mistakes with my sliver! Creatively, I tied the rubber band to head of the pencil as eraser.

(6) Kampung Terasi, mungkin adalah yang paling unik di seluruh Negara. Kampung ini, biar sangat kecil bilangan penduduknya, sekitar 45 keluarga (9184), namun kepelbagaian penduduknya, saya kira tidak kedapatan di mana-mana perkampungnan lain di seluruh Negara. Penduduk Kampung ini terdiri dari Jawa, Bugis, Melayu, Cina, Iban dan suatu ketika dulu ada Jepun-Korea dan India. Penduduk ini asalnya hirah ke sini akibat asakan Brooke dan Jepun. Asalnya, kaum Iban dan Melayu menanam padi. Kaum Jawa dan Bugis kemudiannya memperkenalkan tanaman kelapa, kopi dan pisang. Kemudian kaum Jawa dan Cina memperkenalkan tanaman koko. Dalam tempoh tujuh tahun yang lepas, saya telah berkial-kial memperkenalkan tanaman kelapa sawit kepada mereka semua. Alhamdullilah, usaha saya itu sudah kian diterima baik. Sebahagian dari kami juga kini sudah mulai menternak burung walit.

(6b) Kg. Terasi is unique in a sense, probably the only one in the whole Nation. Here we have the Ibans, Malays, Bugis, Javanese, Chinese and once a Japanese-Korean and Indians. They came here in those hard days of the post WWII. The Bugis and Javanese introduced coconut, coffee and banana planting to the traditional paddy farming by the Ibans and Malays. Later the Javanese and Chinese introduced cocoa planting. Now (2006), over the past seven years I have been working hard introducing oil palm farming in replace of all those traditional crops. Alhamdullillah, now my effort had been well accepted. Slowly now we are moving into swiflet farming.

(7) Di zaman anak-anak, paman saya, Khartiman bila di sore hujung minggu akan mengumpul kami di langkau salai kelapa membentuk budak-budak kugiran. Saya sering menjadi vokalis, dan menyanyi meninggi ke pucuk kelapa. Apa juga yang dapat kami gapai itulah alatan kugiran kami: baldi lama, penyapu, botol-botol kosong, tempurung kelapa, dsb. Kami begitu kreatif. Sepertinya, kemiskinan dan kepayahan adalah keindahan dan kebijaksaaan. Dan kemungkinan dari situlah minat saya terhadap musik dan seni tumbuh, cuma kerjaya saya yang mendesak menjadikan saya agak kaku.

(7b) In those days, as kid, MyUncle, Khartiman used to organise us into band boys and we performed at the coconut smoke house. I used to be the lead singer who sang to the peak of my voice. We used all sort of things that we can get hold of to mimic those musical instruments: pails, broom, empty bottle, coconut shell, etc. It seem, poverty and inadequacies, hide beauties and creativity. Probably, that was the beginning to my present liking of music, but my hectic life style doesn't permit me to advance into it.

(8) Mungkin kerana sepi atau kasihan atas nasib terbuang bersama nenek saya yang tidak kurang payah hidup mereka, maka bila saya tamat darjah satu, bapa membawa saya pulang ke Sedilo dan menyekolahkan saya di SR Abang Man, Simunjan. Di sana, saya kembali menjalani hidup berdikari. Bila saya sudah agak besar, sekitar umuran sembilan tahun, saya mulai membantu nenek di sebelah bapa, untuk berjaja. Nenek tinggal di rumah berasingan di rumah sendiri agak berdekatan dengan rumah kami. Saya berjaja kuih di Kilang Papan KTS berdekatan dengan rumah kami, terutama pada petang Jumaat dan hari Sabtu. Nenek selalunya memberikan saya upah atas jualan saya sebagai tambahan kepada hasil jualan sayuran saya di pekan Simunjan.

(8b) Probably realizing how hard was MyLife in Terasi, living with my equally poor grand parents, after finishing my Primary One level, MyDad then took me back to Kg. Sedilo and continue MyStudy at Abang Man Primary School in Simunjan. There, again I was subjected to independent struggle. As I get older, I then assisted MyGrandMum, on my paternal side, whom stay a distance away to jaja all sort of traditional kueh at a nearby KTS sawmill especially on the Friday afternoon and Saturday. Here I collected some commission and earned extra more in addition to my vegetable selling in Simunjan Town.

(9) Alhamdullilah, perjuangan dan asa zaman anak-anak saya diperhatikan rapat dan dirahmati Allah. Saya yakin Dia membimbing saya keras. Dia peduli penuh ke atas saya. Bila saya berjalan ke sekolah, seringnya sendiri, saya sering berpintasan dengan golongan dewasa dalam jalanan mereka ke Kilang Papan atau bendang padi. Mereka tertegun melihat saya anak kecil gunjingan, mengilik buku-buku dalam beg plastik usang di sebelah lengan, sedang di pundak memikul seberkas cangkuk manis yang dibungkus di dalam daun pisang, berjalan sengoyoran di atas jalan berselut tanah becak. Mereka itu, sebenarnya adalah saudara-saudara jauh bapa yang tinggal di Kampung Nanas dan Sageng, Simunjan. Sangat mengharukan, bila diimbau kembali, biar getir sebegitu, saya tidak pernah berasa sedih, takut, lelah, atau bosan untuk ke sekolah. Orang-orang dewasa ini, saat berpintasan dengan saya, mereka hanya mengeleng-geleng kepala dan ada yang berdoa agar ketegaran saya itu terbalas dengan kejayaan. Saya berkira, doa mereka buat saya adalah pengharapan besar mererka betapa saya harus bangkit menjadi pendokong kebahagian hidup mereka. Mereka juga hidupnya sangat terhimpit dan perit.

(9b) Alhamdullilah, my young boy struggle and my determination was well observed and blessed by Allah. I would say He guided me well. He cared me well. As I walked to school, most of the time alone, I was then met by many adults either on their way to the Sawmill or tending to their paddy farms. Surely all those adults whom used to see me, a skinny boy, with my plastic school beg on one side, while the Sabah Vege wrapped in the banana leaf on the other side of my shoulder, struggling walking hap-haggedly to my school on those muddy bushy path. Interestingly, looking back, in those times I never feel sad, fear or tired of going to school. These adults as they starred admiring me, they do also prayed for my success. I would say, their pray was their hope that one day, my success would also bring them good.

(10) Sesungguhnya Allah itu MahaPengasih, segala beban hidup saya Dia ringankan. Negeri terlahir kembali sebagai sebuah Negeri Merdeka pada 1963, tiga tahun lebih muda dari saya, namun sepertinya saya, dia telah bertapak untuk mengusai tanggungjawap yang berat, mengasuh bangsa. Lewat pemimpin berwawasan dan berkesedaran tinggi sepertinya Abdul Rahman Yacub (Tun), yang pada ketika itu adalah Ketua Menteri, menawarkan saya untuk melanjutkan pelajarn ke Kelantan. Saya dihantar ke sekolah paling tercorok di Kuala Krai, Ulu Kelantan (UK). Saya diharapka menjadi duta kecil Sarawak. Di sana, awalnya, saya merasa amat terhina kerana pada masa itu Sarawak adalah sebuah dari negeri termiskin dan paling tidak mantap siasahnya. Sarawak sepertinya biawak terdukung dibahu. Hari ini, jika saya ditanya di mana saya pernah belajar, dengan banga saya katakan saya pernah bersekolah di UK. Seusia 12 tahun saya terpisah dari keluarga dan adik-adik. Kesedihan mendalam memukul hebat saya, namun bapa telah berpesan pergilah, belajarlah, dan kembali dengan kejayaan besar. Hidup saya, sedari kanak-kanak, sepertinya telah tertulis agar terus berjalan keras sendiri. Saya hadapi segalanya tanpa sesal. Kini, saya menyedari betapa saya sepertinya telah terprogram seperti anak-anak Arian untuk mati demi Jerman. Tangan Hitler menjadi teladan dalam pembinaan pribadi saya.

(10b) SubhanaAllah, I was then really blessed and honoured. The State though was still a young one, gaining independent in 1963, three years younger than me, Abdul Rahman Yacub (Tun) at that time the Chief Minister, in 1972, was visionary enough, offered me to continue MyStudy in Kelantan. I was sent to the most remote school as compared to all the others about 125 of us in that second batch of the Yayasan Sarawak Young Diplomat Programme of Abdul Rahman Yacub's. I have to face the harsh and nothing better lives, in Kuala Krai, Ulu Kelantan (UK). I was looked down due to the poverty and undeveloped State that Sarawak was in in those days. Today, when asked where did I have MyStudy, with pride I will tell that I was schooled in UK at a very young age. At 12 years old I had to be separated from MyDad and all MySiblings. It was a very painful moment in fact, but as fate had been imposed on me, I faced it with no regret. Today, I realized, I have been programmed to sacrifice for the State just as Hitler had programmed and groomed the young Arian to die for German.

(12) I took off the old Kuching airport in the Boeng 737 flight with only two pair of clothing in my canvas beg. MyDad tears poured heavily as I looked back to him on my way to the plane. The day was gloomy couldy then. Cold, solemn. But I headed on with a promise to come back as a Medical Doctor to care for his deteriorating health. Today I realized, his worsening health was due to his loosing deep love to MyMum, and he succumbed joining her resting place at the verge of me stepping into the Medical School of Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, which then I defaulted. Indeed, thereon was the turning point of MyLife into social concern of the society. I believe, no Malay should live in poverty and every successful Malay must work within their mean to ensure this as Muhammad SAW had said: "To love me is to love the orphan, the poor, the needy!"

(13) In the general teaching of the Al Quran, it was`clearly stated: It is imperfect faith (Iman) of a person, when he slept with full tummy yet his neighbor suffering of night long hunger, though now such a scenario is to no existence, but yet still there are always the needy surrounding us. Why? A test, indeed of our faith!

(14) Surely Yayasan Sarawak gave me pocket money, but that was not sufficient especially for a growing young boy who need beyond celono kolor or seluar cerut, the traditional Malay's boxer. There was where I saw most of my Orang Asli friends used to sell their supplies: tooth paste, soaps, and detergents to our fellow hostel mates. I then got the George Sorrow’s Mind, with my monthly RM12.00 pocket money, I bought all those stuff from them, and re-sell at some profit margin. I don’t stop at that, later I bought Maggie and Kek Cina and made extra RM0.05 for each piece. If not mistaken, weekly I would made about RM2.00-3.00 and that was good money in those day. Surely along the way, I used to be bullied by my seniors; they just simply took my sale without the interest to pay, but I really fight back to get them paid what they took. That I would say, was the beginning of my fight back character development. I then can buy my own shirts, trousers, story books, watch movies, and even spent on ice cream with some close friends. I have to do all these, knowing MyDad can’t afford to send me money as I need. In the whole of MyKelantan, Jitra and even University life, I had never received any financial support from home. I had to struggle on my own. Parent’s and society Illiteracy, poverty, and harsh circumstances had turned me into a fighter. Allah definitely has always keeps His watch on me.

(15) During my stay in Kelantan, I used to be the accountant and secretary to my foster father, Hj Harun Hj Senik, the school canteen operator and contractor. On the weekend, he used to call me to count for his sale, write letters and even became his massage boy. In return, he took me to visit his rubber holdings, go down to Kota Bharu and have my free hair cut. Surely, the best, I dine with him in the evening, thus I usually have much better foods than all my other fellow hostel mates.

(16) In Kelantan, though I stayed in a poverty seclude, yet at that age I won't really understand the issue of poverty. My understanding of things were simple: everybody seem, having not enough!. As they were trapped in the not enough cage, they just stopped where they were: absent, leaving school or just be leisure fare.

Live Transformation

Then in 1976, I was transferred to SMSAH, Jitra, Kedah. I believe, that was the time, where I began to love to travel. Nobody accompanied or even shown me the way, I took the train from Kuala Krai to Kuala Lumpur, then to Butterwort. There on I took a bus to Alor Setar, and later a taxi to Jenan, ie SMSAH. All the way alone. At SMSAH, another different challenge awaiting me. Mixed with all those academically chosen students from all over Malaysia, we had to really work hard to be a head or at least narrowed the marking differences among us.

(2) In SMSAH I have to mix with different students with diverse back ground. They came from Kelantan, Kedah, Perak, Penang, Perlis and even Sabah and Selangor. Some are well to do kids. I have the opportunity to make more contact with the Chinese and Indian friends. SMSAH is a place where I began to pick up all those differentv Malay dialect including the Siamese Pattani and Kedahan.

(3) I believe, SMSAH had thought me to be intellectually competitive though at a very young age. This is the reason, why at many times I have proposed to keep say five percent of our public school to develop five percent of our kids to be a great professional if not leaders of the future. I to this day believe, SMSAH (Kedah), SDAR (Negeri Sembilan), STAR (Perak), MCKK (Perak), KIK (Selangor), KTK (Putra Jaya) SMTF (Johor), SMAS (Selangor), MTD (Selangor) and probably each in Sabah and Sarawak as`the special schools for special leadership and professional development purposes. These should be considered as elite school for the greater nation Building purposes. Academically, the system might be the same as may others such as the MRSM or SMSain, but their co-curricular and morale discipline should be specially designed to really develop the kids into the best. As a Nation, I believe we need specially designed leaders and professional to take the whole country into a greater height.

(4) In SMSAH, we really academically have to fight to be recognized, especially to be selected either as school prefect, dormitory head boy, class head, sport club head, librarian, etc. To be one, we must be academically and morally or disciplinarily good. I managed to wrestle to be a librarian, class head, and some other Student Clubs head.

(5) Here also I have to learn on matters of Emotional and Social Intelligent since I was in contact to a broader socio-economically diverse students population. In those days, PAS, UMNO, MIC, MCA, even GERAKAN were having great problem and had dragged the students and even the teacher into their arms. I was indeed much interested in studying the characters and lives struggles of Tun Dr. Ismail Abdul Rahman, Tun Abdul Razak Husein and Dr. Mahathir Mohammed and was so excited to some of my findings, in such that I love to debate with anybody once the subject of national interest was mentioned or discussed.

(6) Geography, Bahasa Melayu, English, and Islamic Studies became my favorite subjects. These subjects gave me the avenue to argue my thought on many things as I see them in my life journey. To a certain extend, I was hated by my colleagues for interfering too much of the running of the lessons. At times, I was isolated. But all those made my mind` becoming very creative to look for alternatives friends where later I was adviced to really develop my leadership interest by Pak Wilmar and`Indit of my Indonesian teachers. Books, news papers, magazine and` all those reading stuff became my true close friends. Since my scholarship had been raised from RM12.00 to RM25.00/month, I then don't really have to worry of my personal expenses. From being the Kuala Krai business boy now I work up the ladder of leadership, entreprenizing leadership. But my leadership development is not without hinderance. Jealousy cropped in my way. I brushed those aside and began to developed my no fear no favor character which caused me into trouble with some of my Kelantanese colleagues. Those Kedahan and Perakian friends were sympathy with me, but their deep Malays characters ie safe silent game distance them from me. As a minority Sarawakian, as a Diplomat, I stand by my idea, thus slowly everybody later began to accept me as a tough guy. Now, when we met, and talked about it, we just laugh and joke to each others. All those make us matured and be brave.

(7) Back home I got a news saying that MyBrother, Shamsuddin and MyDad had established a grocery shop at Lubok Buntin, up river of Simunjan town. I was indeed very excited and sent them a letter expressing my interest to manage the Store and later be a real successful businessman. But illiteracy among them made my my letter being not replied. MyDad never send MyBrother to school and that became a pin in the neck between us, as I was being accused of Daddy and MumyBoy. I fact poverty and harsh lives had hindered MyBrother from his educational opportunity.

(8) Later I found, the Store only last for six months. MyDad welfare attitude had allowed his relatives and friends to purchase based on differ payment, which landed the Store in huge creditors. MyBrother had been going against the idea, and` the two of them later developed a bitter relationship which led MyBrother to migrate to Simanggang and now domiciles in Sibu. He made no return to our birth and playing places: Terasi and Sedilo. I do hope within next year, I would persuade him back to our home ground so that we can team up to be great!

(9) MyGrandPa, Kechut was then taking the salvage operation of the Store. He bought over all the goods from MyBrother and transfer all those to Kg. Terasi. Later when I was having my term break after my Form Five Schooling, I helped him to manage the Store. That was`in fact my starting period to migrated to MyBirthPlace, Kg. Terasi, where now I hope to be my permanent retiring place and pioneer of my entreprenizing experiment. Additionally, in 1977, the Malaysian government extended the service of RTM to Sarawak, thus I pursuaded MyGrandMa, Khartewi to buy a 14 inches television where thereon I turned our home into a weekend theatre. The neighboring families will come to watch the TV by the weekened and i imposed a 20 cents and 10 cents fee for adult and children respectively. Primary school childeren were given free viewing. Our home, will be the most busy during the weekend, but we made money. MyGrandMa did` also sell kuih and kacang rebus to earn extra income. In those day, television was a luxury item. I then passed my SPM and entered the matriculation course, a crash one year for Science faculty entry to UKM.

(11) For about four months at the matriculation, I received a news that MyGrandPa had passed away. The little Store was then had to be closed down since no one had to attend` to it. I was sadden. The Malay's proverb: hangat-hangat tahi ayam seem to prevail. Talk in the Village that: Orang Melayu, mana boleh berniaga, Cina juga yang benar nanti! became a reality. A stigma that later took me the long way to bury.

(10) Upon returned after my matriculation, while waiting for my result, I took a motor launch Rajah mas to Sibu. I knew I will passed my matriculation well, thus I was worried of my pocket money and plane ticket for my educational advancement in later UKM. I joined my brother to Sibu and worked in a sawmill with a hard wage of RM5.00-8.00/day. There I mixed with all sorts of illiterate Kampung boys and girls being bullied `to hard work but with low wage, just enough to feed themselves, far from able to uplift their socio-economic status. Here, I began to recalled MyReading on Karl Marx ideology about the labour struggle. My socialist thought creeping deep into my soul. I promised to fight for these people.

(11) When I got my confirmation to further my study at the UKM, Jalan Pantai Baru, Kuala Lumpur, I visited MyDad whom now, due to his bad health stayed with his sister in Igan, Mukah. I was indeed shaken by the condition of his physical. Meatless, bony, skinny and self destruction. God, how love, suppose to cherish one, now is a killer. Mydad deadly love of MyMum take it toll. In whispering I told him that I will further my Study and will work hard to be a medical graduate. But, he insisted I stayed with MyPromise to MyMum that I will be a District Officer, DO. But quietly I promised to disobey his suggestion.

MyVarsityLife

I left MyDad with deep sorrow. I knew he will not stay longer than I expected. I knew I will never be able to see him alive anymore. I walked out of my aunty home without looking back to my devastated dad. He in fact asked me to go and not to turned back:"Just go and go straight ahead. Take care of your brothers and sisters later, but don't forget your people". my walk to the express wharf in Igan was marked with lots of tears. I was silent the whole journey back to Kuching. My heart was deeply cracking in sorrow holding to the toll of poverty, misery and backwardness of my family, relatives and neighbors.

(2) Due to financial problem, I reported late to UKM. I was left with not much choice. I choose the Botany Department as my majoring school. Along the way, I took all those subject that could take me to the Medical Faculty. But as I completed my first semester with good results, MyDad gone to meet his loving wife, MyMum. I was stunned. I was then workin to earn small income at a Milk Factory at Petaling Jaya. I was then really mad with Allah: "Why did He continue to deny me from MyLoveOne?".

(3) I locked myself in my room in my hostel. I denied to meet my friends. I refused to take my foods. I was deadly knocked down. But Allah is great, one day, I remember MyPromise to MyMum, I want to be a DO, thus I woke up, and walk all the way to PJ/17. I ate a lot. I watched movie. I sang as I walked back to the hostel. I promised to fulfill MyPromise. I aborted my interest to be a medical doctor. I want to be a social medical person. I want to be a community development person. Thus thereon, I began to pay less attention to my science subjects. I just want a pass. I began to pay attention to social works and leadership development.....to be continue. In Shaa Allah


Terasi, Pendam, Malaysia
12 March, 2012

1 comments :

Anonymous said...

When you are poor you were honest and good. Life was hard and you swallowed everything that comes along the way. Then God , for a moment gave you a good life , just to test test you and my friend, you failed badly. I watched you from being a simple officer to a highly positioned corporate figure, but you forgot your roots. You write a lot , you say a lot too, you hurt many and curses as you please. But people that you curse remember and their sorrows become their doa. When so many ppl doa , God blesses them with their wish.And slowly you are back to the old you, poor in so many things , though physical richness is there.And you succumb to money, wealth and high position as fast as you succumb to being at the root again.

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